Ease My Mind

Waking up in darkness and not knowing who I am, the light coming in but I don’t want it. Nothing can help me nothing can get me out of this darkness. Feeling naked outside in the wilderness talking to trees, talking to leaves, and talking to anything that won’t answer back at me. Imagining someone who could be there for me, imagining someone who can take all this away from me. I am stuck, stuck in this madness, and stuck in all this sadness. I am just trying to deal with all this madness and sadness that is inside. No one is in the midst of the night and no one amid the light at this time. It is just my lonesome in the wilderness. I talk to the trees and I talk to the leaves and I just think to myself wow I am the only one in this wilderness. I ask the trees, “am I the only one who feels this sadness, am I the only one who feels these emotions”. Why me, why me, why not someone who can handle it, why not someone who is strong enough, why a kid who is trying to deal with his emotions and is left in the wilderness all by his lonesome.

 Every day trying to survive looking behind me, looking above me, and looking beneath me just waiting for something to attack me. A wolf will always be behind waiting to attack, the hawk above me just watching my every move, and this snake beneath me just waiting for me to trip. I am running and running and running trying to escape this horrible place but there’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I am crying and crying and realizing that there is no way out. Then I hear this bang that wakes me up and I wake up from this horrible nightmare. but the nightmare continues 24/7 stuck in my room wondering “why me”, and I cry feeling sorry for myself every single day of my life. Having people in my life that I thought I could trust but only finding out that they were the predators in my nightmares. Not knowing who I can trust is the worst part of trying to find someone to count on. I stay in my room talking to myself and talking to the wall not knowing if I can handle another day of this life. I am always telling myself that I am not strong enough and I am always putting myself down. While I did have some people in my life who wanted to uplift me, I just did not want to uplift myself and sadly those people moved on and they moved on without me. I was sad but I knew that they deserved better. I do not know who I am, but I know how lucky I am to have this life but yet I am still feeling sorry for myself always having these thoughts in my head that will never let me be happy. Seeing people leave my life was a wake-up call and I did not want to be alone anymore. I did not want to be in the wilderness all by my lonesome looking at the sky looking at the dirt looking at the water in seeing the reflection of just myself. I am stuck in this wilderness looking at my surroundings looking over my back and seeing a light I have never seen before. 

In this wilderness there are only predators there is a wolf, there is a hawk, and there is a snake. I have not seen any other creature in this wilderness until I saw this creature I had not seen before. This magical bird comes from the skylight coming down straight at me not knowing what it was. I remember just thinking to myself, “should I be happy, do I deserve this ray of light that is shining down on me”. Even though I see this I still know deep down that I am a weak person who doesn’t deserve this light. So, I got flustered and ran away from this beautiful bird because I don’t want to hurt it like I have hurt the others. I am not trying to hurt them but not being myself which now that I think of it, was the reason why they left. I have laughed with people who have said the most terrible things about me and they think I don’t know. I see this beautiful bird which is the Grace that I see in the sky. The clouds form a beautiful array of light that shines down and whispers in my ear "Grace". This beautiful magical bird’s name is Grace. After I got her name, I woke up and I was happy because now there is someone that I can try to be friends with and hopefully this person can understand me. But I still have this doubt in myself because I don't want to get too close because usually when I get too close to people, they leave my life and I don't want Grace to leave my life when she has barely came into it.

I am scared to be myself because people usually don't understand me. I am weird, I am awkward but yet so kind. I try to do good for others yet they don't understand. When I am negative, I lash out and I become someone that I don’t want to become. All those birds left and I was left alone to try to figure out this place I call home. The birds are not the protagonist, I am. I am not trying to be like that but it just happens. I fear that Grace is so kind and so beautiful and such an awesome human being that I won’t so very kind that I don’t deserve to be in the same sentence as her. In my dreams and in my life, I see darkness and I bleed darkness, I see no light in my life I only see Grace. I portray to others what I do not portray to myself. This life is a fiction not found, the real image in writing is staring straight back at me. I try to make sense of this sadness and this madness but I can't do it without Grace. I don't want Grace or anyone to know of my brokenness. I want people to know me as this person of valor not this person of brokenness. In my dreams I still see darkness and when I wake up, I still see darkness but now I know that there is light. I just choose not to grab that light by the hand. I like the light but I don't know if the light likes me so I choose to stay in the darkness where I am most comfortable. The wilderness of my dreams and the wilderness of the world is stressing me out but yet there is no one to talk to. I finally told myself that I was going to reach out to this beautiful bird in my dreams and I woke up with Grace talking to me. I went back to sleep and I had this vision that I had met this beautiful girl in real life at school but I had never stopped and had a full conversation with her. I woke up then I realized that there is a new girl at school that I have been thinking about and when I think of her all my negative thought goes away. I get out of bed so fast I almost ran through my door. I get to school and I see her walking by herself and I run towards her and introduce myself because the days before I hadn’t told her my name. So, I tell her my name and that’s when she told me that her name was Grace. 

Before meeting Grace, I didn’t know who to talk to about how my feelings. Grace was the only person who has told me that I can be myself and that I shouldn’t be afraid of who I am. So, after many months of getting to know her and building an amazing friendship with her, I tell her what is goes on in my mind I tell Grace the darkness that is eating inside of me. I tell her that I am afraid of the light because I am afraid to get close to it. I am afraid that the light is her because whenever someone comes into my life, I manage to destroy those friendships. We had been walking for about an hour while I had been telling her about my emotions. I let everything out and Grace looks at me and tells me, “you are not alone anymore, let the light in, let me in” and after that she went home and I went home and that night I went to sleep and I saw no darkness. I saw creatures of every color and the trees and leaves were free and the light took over my body and took over my whole life. I wake up to this ray of light in my room and I walk out of my room for the first time with a positive mindset. I go outside and look at the sun and look at all the creatures and I see the beautiful bird from my dreams and I just smile. I call Grace and tell her that I want to take her out and I want to spend time with her, so I pick her up and we go to this beautiful park and the view from the park is simply amazing. We can see the ocean and the horizon and when the sun starts to set, I look at Grace and I tell her before she came into my life there were thoughts in my mind that I couldn’t put to rest. Most nights I was restless and worried that my thoughts would take control of me. This trouble all around me would not show its face. But you, Grace, came out of nowhere and you didn’t care about all the noise and the darkness that was in me. You made sense of all the sadness and madness whenever I listened to your voice. I was afraid to show you the mess that I made of my life and all the pieces that are missing from this puzzle of my life. Whenever you look into my eyes and hold onto my hand with your language that I understand I feel like those pieces that were missing from my puzzle are put back together. While Grace and I are looking at this beautiful sunset I look at her and I tell her that “only you can ease my mind”. I am still scared because I don't want to lose Grace but all I have to do is be myself. I would go to sleep asking myself why me and I would be waking up still asking myself why me but now I go to sleep and wake up saying, “Why not me”.